His Childlike Grin
by Allie-Dee
Summary: Lily's in love with Ray, but he's moved to Texas. Ride through the roller coaster of Lily's life as she tries to find her one true love with a lot of problems on the way. UPDATE 5-2
1. Default Chapter

_March 21nd, 2004...  
  
...The hardest Sunday I ever had to go through_  
  
"Lily," Ray said, with this soft smile on his face, just looking at me...his eyes seemed to stop the moment. "Lily...I'm leaving now."  
  
I didn't want him to...I needed him...all of a sudden, just a few months ago, he tells us that he's leaving for relatives and that his parents are broke and they can't live here anymore. Not with me. No more. "Ray." I choked out. My face began bright red and tears started just pouring down. I thought I loved Travis. I really did. I thought I loved him. Then why was Ray the one I wanted...? Why was Ray the one I wanted right here with me...? That I didn't want him to leave...?  
  
"Lily, I'll come back...I will. I-I..." he tried to find the words as he glanced back at the carpet. Everything else in the airport seemed to fade out. It was just him and me. "I love you."  
  
It felt like water was poured over me. I couldn't breathe. I wanted so MUCH to say I love you back and just never let him go. "Ray." I tried to say, but it came out a whisper. And then, right after I said it, Ray took my hand and kissed me. My eyes widened, while his was closed. I could feel his shaggy black hair touch my skin. I wanted to kiss him back, but he stopped and pulled back and smiled once again. He waved at Travis and Robbie who were behind me from a distance. They waved back. Travis looked jealous, but Ray ignored it. He grinned his childish grin he always had and turned around.  
  
As his walked, I couldn't breath and I couldn't stop the tears. I feel to the ground, tears wetting the ground. No, Ray, don't go. Please...don't! Come back and tell me you're just kidding; that you're going to be here everyday! PLEASE. I yelled in my mind while Ray just exited out of the airport. Out of my life. Robbie and Travis tried to help me up but Ray wasn't there. His childish grin was gone. My best friend. Why didn't I tell him I loved him? Will he ever know? Why...did he have to leave? Couldn't he stay? Why couldn't he...?  
  
It feels like a photo of a wonderful memory was torn out of your life, Ray. Did you really want this to happen? Why are you causing me such pain? Why can't I think? And why is it when I do think about things...it's about you?  
  
I can't live like this.  
  
I need to see you.  
  
Ray?  
  
Can you hear me?  
  
Maybe if I concentrate enough, you'll hear my voice in my head...with unlimited minutes we could talk, in our minds. We could make up our own love songs and I can sing them to you, and you'll hear them. We can laugh at our inside jokes and I can tell you the idiotic announcements Mr. Waller is saying. I can tell you about Robbie and Travis and what's happening with them. Ray? Do you like that idea?  
  
Ray...?

-------  
Everyone, this might become a T/L fanfic, maybe not, but just hang tight.  
  
-Allie


	2. Day 1

**Day 1**  
  
It's Day 1 since Ray has left and there is no sign for me to stop crying and to stop sobbing and to stop thinking about Ray 24/7. I was in the cafeteria at good ol' Roscoe High with Travis and Robbie, but it didn't seem the same without Ray sitting there, making jokes and letting me punch him no matter how hard I did it.  
  
"Lily, you okay?" Travis said with such concern in his voice. Oh yeah, Smog, I'm fine. The person I care about the most is gone, GONE, and I didn't even get to tell him how I feel. He doesn't KNOW how I feel. Why was I so stupid back then? Why couldn't I just tell him, "I love you." but NOOOO stupid Shady Lane had to be like, "Ray.." and then cry. YEAH Smog. I'm okay! I'm FINE.  
  
But, I didn't say all that. I was just shouting that in my mind. "I'm okay Trav." I answered, faking a small smile.  
  
Oh, of course Travis had to push it. "Did you cry a lot?" I shook my head as to say, Not much. Not much! I cried since I got home yesterday from the airport. My eyes were so red, it looked like I had sunburn or something. My nose was running so much it looked like I had a cold. Uh-huh. I didn't CRY much.  
  
I used to be able to talk to Travis and Robbie about everything. But...everything's gone. Ray's gone. And--it's like--I can't do anything anymore. I can't talk about it for some reason. I don't get it. Why did I have to find out that I loved him then? Right when he left? And of course he had to go to some little town in Texas, which seems so far away!  
  
"Lily. We're here for you." Robbie tried to comfort me.  
  
They're HERE for me. I jumped up from my seat. I knew they were just trying to help...but I couldn't stand it anymore. It was like this throbbing headache was storming in my mind and it wouldn't go away until I saw Ray. Until I looked at him. "So!? You're here for me. But RAY'S not here for me anymore!" And with that very mean and very cruel comment, I ran away. I heard Travis call out my name but it was no use.  
  
I was lost in the world.  
  
I was the loser in the game of love.  
  
And like a video game...I couldn't press restart. No matter how hard I try.  
  
I was still running away, just running...like if I ran far enough, I would see Ray. But something stopped me. I felt a firm hand on my arm and I couldn't help but stop and turn around and see...Travis?!  
  
"Lily.." he said. Just like when Ray left. 'Lily...I'm leaving now.' No...why can't I get it out of my head. Why does he have to be in my mind?! Why can't I stop?! "Lily." he repeated. Stop it. Stop sounding like Ray.  
  
"STOP IT!" I yelled, pulling my arm away from him. Travis, shocked, backed away. I regreted it the moment I did it. "I'm sorry Travis...it's just...he's gone." I started sobbing again and then he put his hand on my shoulder, trying to make it better. But I couldn't smile. WHY?! Why can't I just be happy? Why can't Ray be here? The question pained me as I fell to the floor. I could still hear Ray's voice. I put my hands on my ears.  
  
It hurts Ray. It hurts.

--------------

Yeah, I know this is short but I'll make it longer soon! I promise!  
  
-Allie


	3. Day 2

**Day 2  
**  
Well, I think I'm getting better. Not really. Travis, I think, still loves me. He doesn't deserve me though. I seem to run away from love, just like at the airport. 'Lily, I love you.' the words still ring in my ears and I want to just hit myself over and over for not saying I love you back. I don't eat much anymore and I hate myself for it. I hate Ray for leaving. I mean, he's one person. Why do I feel as if I'm obsessed over him. And why is it that whenever I go pass his house, or by his locker...or just look at his picture, he haunts my dreams and never lets go? I can't get his childish grin out of my mind.  
  
"Oh hello Lily." Mickey said as I entered the door.  
  
I choked out, "Hey Mickey." Talking to Mickey always helped problems. He was the sage of the High School...where everyone went.  
  
"So, Ray's gone eh?" He started putting CDs where they should be.  
  
"Yeah. He is." I followed him.  
  
"Well, I'm going to miss him...what abo--" he never got to finish his sentence as he turned and saw me crying, once again. "Oh...Lily."  
  
I just stood there. "I never even got to tell him how I feel...he just left."  
  
Mickey walked over to me, and then looked at the ceiling. "Well, this reminds me of back in the day." I stopped crying and looked up at him in confusion, a tear was still on my face. "There was this girl, Emily. She was my best gal pal and the best remedy for saddness. She always brought a smile to my face, even when I didn't want it." Like Ray, I thought. "And then...she left...I never knew it, but I was in love with her. I didn't know if she loved me. But I did know that I should've told her."  
  
When Mickey didn't finish, and he just started looking at CDs, I asked, "Well? What happened?"  
  
He looked up at me. "I never saw her again."  
  
Oh. "I'm sorry." and I meant it. It was hard to not see the person you love. "But what should I do?"  
  
"Go visit him!" he proposed. Visit? When? It was March 23th! In the middle of the school year! Mickey glanced at my face and chuckled. "Well, I guess maybe not..."

"D-do you think maybe I could see him in summer break?" I questioned.

Mickey stopped and looked at me. "Hm...maybe, if your parents go for it. Which will probably not happen. Maybe you should just email or phone him. And then maybe you should go on a Road Trip or something...I don't know." He turned to leave me with my thoughts but said one last thing, "If you love him...you'll visit him no matter what."

-Lily's Room-

Stretched out of my bed, staring up at the posters of my favorite bands, I didn't know what to do anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to live...but I just want to be happy. I probably hurt Travis and Robbie. I'm so selfish, I thought. Then the words Mickey said echoed in my mind.

_'If you love him...you'll visit him no matter what.'_

I love him but - how can I see him? He's so far away and...

**Knock Knock**

Who...? I darted my head up and opened my bedroom door, to see Robbie. Robbie...good ol' Robbie. "Hey..." I whispered. Travis wasn't the person I wanted to see at the moment, so seeing Robbie is good. "Sorry I didn't make it to the show."

"It's alright." I shut the door and then faces him. "Lily, do you really love Ray?" Robbie said, as he sat on my bed, just staring at me. Well, I do...but if I tell Robbie, he'll tell Travis, who maybe still has feelings for me and then it'll just be gone! The friendship we worked so hard would be gone.

Flustered by this thought, I darted my eyes away and then whispered, "Maybe...I don't know." Robbie shook his head.

"You either love him...or you don't." he said, in his this-is-serious voice. I thought I had gotten away from the questions. Away from the questions in my mind...couldn't I just dodge these too?

"W-well," I stuttered but then I heard my phone ring. _Saved by the bell I thought_, as I picked it up. "Hello?" I asked, in my polite voice that parents always want their kids to have.

Audrey's warm voice answered. "Hey Lily." I smiled. I hadn't talked to Audrey in so long it felt like ages. Maybe it was just the fact that I had been too busy crying every day.

"Audrey! Hi!" I gave a look at Robbie that said Girl Talk all over it. He rolled his eyes and then exited his room, crestfallen that he hadn't gotten the information that he wanted to know in the first place. _Serves you right_, I thought. I don't even know my own feelings and you except me to just tell them to you. Fat chance of that ever happens. "So, what's up?"

Audrey's warm voice kinda fell, "Lily...so Ray left..."

"2 days ago! Righty-o!" I chirped, trying to act happy. It really wasn't working. Audrey was too smart. She saw through it crystal clear.

"Are you really okay?"

"Of course not. My best friend just moved, but I'll get over it." That was a lie. An obvious lie at that.

"Lily..."

"Audrey, he's gone. I'm going to be able to talk to him on the phone and email to him so it's not the end of the world." The second lie I've told her today.

"But, if you love him, it IS the end of the world." she pressed.

I stopped cold. Frozen in the spot. When I finally got a hold of my self, I just sang in a very obnoxious voice, "Oh Audrey! You say the funniest things! I have to go, bye now." Audrey paid her dues and I thought of all the lies I've said today and bit my lip to not cry.

If I was Pinoccio, my nose would be longer than the Bridge Over Troubled Water

------------

I'm trying to write more, and I'm trying not to make Lily cry a lot. Well, she is going to cry an' this IS angst, but I'm adding just a touch of humor. Or not.

-Allie


	4. Day 3

**Day 3**  
  
Ray,  
  
Hey. What's up? How's life in Texas? I really just wanted to email you because, well, Ray, I miss you. A lot. And well, honestly, I like you. A lot. Like, really really like like. You know..?  
  
UCK! I thought as I deleted what I had just wrote on my computer. I don't get it. Why can't I just say it? Why can't I just flat out say: Hey Ray. I love you. WHY CAN'T I? Am I psycho or do I have a mental problem. I smashed my head on the keyboard. I couldn't phone him yet because I didn't know his number. Is love always this horrible and heartwreching and all those other terrible things?  
  
**Ring Ring  
**  
I jumped out of my seat and started at the phone. I was only one home, everyone else was gone. But...I didn't want to answer it. What if it was Audrey again? Or Robbie or Travis..or Ray..? My hand darted to it and I pushed the talk button. "Hello?" I asked, breathlessly. It had to be Ray..It had to be Ray..it HAD to be Ray!  
  
"Hello Lily, it's your mother." a voice answered. Oh, great. I thought, crestfallen. I really wanted to get over Ray so maybe if I just TOLD him he would...stop haunting me. But my thoughts were interupted. "Honey, can you go to the store and get some milk for dinner?"  
  
"Okay." I said and then hung up. Even my VOICE felt depressed. Did I really love Ray that much. Oh dammit Ray...I punched a pillow...why can't I do anything anymore? I can't bring myself to smile. Damn you Ray! But I can't hate you; no matter how hard I try.  
  
"Clean-up in Aisle 7." A voice rang over the bustling sounds of hurried shoppers. I was taking my time, of course. Like always. Since I was young, I didn't understand why anyone would ever want to rush life. It's stupid, I thought, spacing out. But my spaced-out time was done when someone hit me. CRASH. The person had a hard thing in a bag and it really hit me on the noggin. [LoL, noggin, you get it? I'll shut up now...]  
  
"Ouch..." I said, holding my hand to my head as blood started rushing toward it. "Ow ow ow ow."  
  
The person quickly got up and held out a hand. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! Honest!" The voice, a boy's felt frantic. I took his hand and became face-to-face with a taller boy, about my age. But, not like those other movies and romance novels, he was really unattractive. Don't get me wrong his...uh, round glasses were, um, fashionable? He was taller, but he had really neat black hair, perfect; not one hair was out of place. His face looked very soft and when I took his hand it was baby-like. And at that moment I knew.  
  
He was rich.  
  
See, I have this kind of rich-radar. Okay, not really. But people with soft skin usually don't work at all. Once, I met this kid at camp. His name was Joey. Super-rich. I once felt his hand. Super-soft. So, I'm sold on the idea that people with soft skin are rich. And usually...I was right.  
  
But this kid was different then that other boy. He was RICH, I could tell, but...he was dorky. He actually had a trench coat, with a polo shirt under it and some slacks. And the weird thing is...he had a hat. It was one of those hats that old men where. The boy had hazel eyes, with yellow in them. Weird...I thought.  
  
The boy still looked frantic. He looked like a high-strung sort of guy. "Sorry sorry sorry! Don't hit me!" he pleaded. What on earth? I thought as he got to the ground, begging on his knees.  
  
I was very freaked out. He just bumped into me. I don't get it..."Uh, it's okay. I'm Lily."  
  
He got up and then smiled nervously. It was a crooked smile, like he wasn't smiling at all. I felt like puking. It was like...Ed and Ted...combined with their ugliness. I know I sound shallow but...  
  
_Ew._  
  
"I'm James." he answered. Oh GOD. James sounded so preppy and so rich and so dorky. I hated the name James. "So, Lily, what are you doing here at the grocery store?"  
  
Shopping. _Duh,_ Mr. Obvious. But I smiled a half-smile and said polietly, "Errands for my mom. You?"  
  
James pointed to an old lady, taking a Prune in a Can off the shelf. "I'm with my wife." Huh? I just blinked. Somehow, I was very, very disturbed. The husband of the old lady AKA James saw my expression then started laughing hysterically. "Just kidding! God, did you really believe me?!"  
  
I felt my cheeks turning red. Yeah, okay, I kinda knew he was joking. Actually, I was totally fooled. He looked so trust-worthy and he said it so seriously. James laughed harder. His laugh was like a hyena. I wanted to smack him, right on the face. But it was just a joke. I didn't want to seem sensitive or anything, so I just smiled and laughed with him. "Yeah, I'm gullible..."  
  
James stopped laughing and grinned his crooked grin at me. "Well, it was fun meeting you Lily. Maybe I'll see you around sometime." I nodded, smiled and then got the HECK outta there. I didn't want to see him again but wait--  
  
I hadn't though of Ray the whole time I was with him. He like, made me think of other things. Maybe I should see him. It would take my mind off Ray. And he was sorta funny...in a _geeky_ type of way.  
  
-----------  
  
Heh heh. Uh, no. Lily isn't gonna fall in love with James. Lily needs James. BeCaUsE...  
  
-blink-  
  
I don't know yet..but I can see Travis getting jealous seeing Lily and him together, just laughing and talking...  
  
So, James is for my fanfic and he's FUNN-A!!!  
  
.:allie:. 


	5. Day 4

**Day 4**  
  
Hi Ray.  
  
This is the second time I've tried to email you. I hope I can figure out what to write. I just really want to see you. Robbie and Travis are sad that you're gone to. Hey, you need any foxy ladies over in the States? Just kiddin'.  
  
Ray, I hope you don't love me anymore. You don't deserve someone like me...  
  
No NO NOOO! I don't want to be a pathetic girl that's just lovesick over him! I deleted it then stretched out on my bed. Well, I am. I took out Ray's picture and stared at it. I wish I could've known how I felt about him sooner. I'm such a jerk. I'm such a...fool. I want to see him so bad. It's March 25. Maybe I should just get my mind off Ray. I can still think about him, but I just can't obsess over him. So, I got up, told my mom I'll just be hanging and left with my guitar, notebook and pen.  
  
I guess I should go to the park, I thought. Maybe I'll see someone to talk to. Walking with my head down, I looked at all the bricks and I kicked a rock and sighed. Being in the park isn't as fun as it is with Ray.  
  
"Lily?" a nerdy voice asked me as I walked. I groaned inside, but I stopped myself from saying it outloud. I turned and saw James standing there with his trench coat covering some jeans and a black t-shirt. He didn't look at geeky as before but I guess I didn't really care. He took my mind off of Ray. "Hey Lily! It's you. Remember me? James?"  
  
"Yeah, I do." I said softly.  
  
Noticing my guitar, he exclaimed, "Dude! You play?" I twitched at the word 'Dude' but still continued listening. "I do too." My ears perked up at this.  
  
"Really?" I asked questionaly. "Want to test my guitar out?" James nodded and gently took my guitar away and then sat on a bench. I sat beside him, wondering what song he would play. I closed my eyes to capture the essence of the lyrics. He strummed for a minute and tuned it the way he wanted it then started.  
  
"And I'd give up forever to touch you..." he sang. My eyes opened wide. Iris...I thought glancing over to him. He didn't look as dorky as he did before. He was just into the guitar so much...oh my god. I thought, amazed.  
  
"Cuz I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment 

And all I can breathe is your life

Cuz sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me 

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming 

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me 

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me 

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am..."  
  
When the song ended, I was in tears. It was just like my feelings. And it made me think of Ray. James turned to me and was about to say something but then he exclaimed, "Lily? Lily what's wrong?" Everything's wrong, I wanted to say, but nothing came out. I just...I couldn't stop crying. Oh Ray. My hands were on my face, tears wetting the palms of my hands. _Ray._  
  
**CRASH**  
  
Wha--? I turned around, tears still on my face and I saw Travis there, punching James over and over. Robbie was trying to stop him but it was no use. "What did you do to Lily?!" he screamed at James. James' lip was cut, and his nose was bleeding. His face looked like a disaster. Oh my god. James! I thought. I tried to stop Travis.  
  
"Travis! NO! Travis!" And then when Travis did one last punch, I screamed and then jumped in front of James. "NO!"  
  
And everything was black.  
  
-------  
  
Cliffhanger! It's short, but I didn't want to give a lot away. Heh heh heh heh. And oh yeah, Iris is not something I own. I wish I made the song but I didn't. Goo Goo Dolls made it. I highly reccomend you listen to it.  
  
-Allie


	6. Day 5

**Day 5  
**  
Hey Ray,  
  
This is just me thinking...me dreaming...I can't feel my hands. Is that your face in the distance? It's so dark, I can't see. Is it you Ray? Are you there? I want to open my eyes but I can't until I remember what happened...the hard punch...the blood..JAMES!  
  
My eyes opened and I sat up. "Lily!" Robbie screamed. He was sitting there in chair by me. Where was I? I was in a bed...I sniffed the air, the fragrence smelled like James' house. I looked at Robbie, was that a tear in his eye--?!  
  
I never got to finish the thought, Audrey and Travis barged into the room. Travis. My head throbbed as I thought what he did. I wanted to scream at him...but his eyes...they didn't let me. But I could yell one thing. "Where's James?!" Robbie stood up and left, but whispered something to Travis. Audrey left too, but glanced at me...with eyes of sorrow. Travis' gaze at me was gone; he was staring at the ground. "Where's James?!" I repeated.  
  
Travis looked at me. "He's fine Lily...he's just a little hurt." I remembered what he did to him. Anger filled my heart. How could he..?! Travis saw my expression, and then painfully said. "Lily, I'm sorry. You were just crying and I didn't--" He stopped his sentence and put his hand on his head. I knew it was hard for him to say it, but he almost killed James.  
  
"You didn't what?! I'm aloud to cry right? I'm aloud to cry without you punching someone! James' actually takes my mind off of Ray and moving." my voice fell when I got to the Ray part.  
  
Travis tried to protest. "No Lily! Lily I didn't want you to cry. I don't want to you to feel sad! You only think of Ray, and it hurts to see you like that. It hurts me because, Lily...I-I love you!"  
  
Oh. My. God.  
  
I guess I shouldn't be so suprised, I knew he had feelings for me for a while, but I thought he would get over me. Travis is really calm, not like Ray but, I loved his insanity, I love him. I didn't love Travis. Travis was...just Travis. I couldn't fall in love with him. If I said I did, Ray would get the wrong impression and oh... "Travis, I like you too. But..."  
  
It took a few moments, then Travis' eyes turned sad and angry. "If only Ray were still here, you might have given me a chance..you wouldn't have found out you're in love with him." And then he turned and headed out. My head hit the pillow and I sighed.  
  
A soap opera should be based on my life.  
  
"Lily? You awake?" James. I darted up, not saying anything. Just waiting. I heard the doornob turn and James was standing there. He had a black eye and his lip was cut and he was limping. He didn't look really, really death bad but..."Oh you are awake! You okay? Feeling better?"  
  
All I could do was just sit there. I had hurt Travis, I had hurt James...and I had hurt myself. "I'm sorry James." tears started falling. James put his arm around me and I could feel his soft, kind gaze carving into my soul. He whispered something, It's alright, but I couldn't hear over my sobbing. I'm responsible for so many things. I don't even deserve to live.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Okay a few things:  
  
I did NOT mean for the James/Lily thing to go on. It was a total and complete accident! Second of all, I made Travis the way he was because he doesn't understand anything anymore. Lily, the one he loves suddenly doesn't talk to him anymore, doesn't smile anymore, doesn't even think about him anymore. All Lily cares about is Ray in his eyes. And then when he saw Lily crying, he thought James had hurt her and he hates to see her sad. Third: I know this is totally, totally, TOTALLY short but I'm not having the best day of my life. Don't flame me cuz of it.  
  
Okay, that really made no sense, but it's me you're thinking about here right? And you know what, I want to make Travis like that! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
-Allie 


	7. Day 6

**Day 6**  
  
I sat on the bench in the park, so tired that I didn't even write an email to Ray . I still haven't. Pretty pathetic huh? I'm such an idiot. Travis ignored me in school and I stayed away from Robbie and Audrey, who were looking for me the whole day. James doesn't go to my school, so I don't really have a shoulder to cry on.  
  
My mind wandered off as a cold wind hit my face and my hair danced around. Spring's not here yet, I thought to myself gloomy.  
  
"Lily!" I heard a female voice that I knew pretty well. I turned my head and sure enough, there was Audrey. Her face was a scarlet red and you could see she was tired. I bet she was looking all over for me, running from place to place. I guess that would exaust me too if I was wearing a jean skirt, tight boots and a fuzzy sweater. Her hair looked nice and neat with waves at school but now it was out of place.  
  
Audrey took a deep breath before saying, "Lily, I've been looking all over for you!" She huffed and puffed. "Where have you been?!" I just stared at her, waiting for her to continue but then I realized she was asking me a question.  
  
I looked up at the sky to avoide eye contact. "Where have I been?" I repeated, thoughtfully. "Oh, around." You know, I wanted to talk to someone so bad but the number 1 person on that list was NOT Audrey.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her fume with anger. "Lily Randell!" her voice rose. Oh crap...I thought, she's pissed. "I have been looking PLACE TO PLACE for you! I knew something is wrong but somehow, I get the impression you don't want to talk to me!"  
  
Okay, okay, I did try to look suprised but the sarcasm just came out. "Me? Not wanting to talk to you?" I said in fake voice. "Of course not! And what makes you think something's wrong? Everything's hunky-dory!"  
  
My female friend put her hands on her hips and looked at me hard. She obviously didn't get the sarcasm, and treated my little message as the most honest thing anyone had ever said to her. "You ignore me and Robbie and Travis; you have become a social outcast; you don't eat anything at lunch; I overheard teachers talking about your grades dropping...and oh yeah, every single thing happened right after Mr. Lover Boy RAY left!"  
  
Well...I'm busted.  
  
All the feelings started rushing out, even though I bit my tougne. "Audrey, I finally found out I'm in love with Ray at the last minute, I can't concentrate, Travis declared his love for me, and I CAN'T see Ray and he DOESN'T know how I feel about him and..." I blurted, as tears started to stream doesn my cheeks. Audrey gave me a pity look and tried to comforte me, and some little kids stopped playing kickball and started to stare at me.  
  
I glared at them as if to say, "Get away, this is NOT for your amusement!" They looked at each other then back at me and scurried off in a hurry. That'll teach them to mess with me at a bad day,. I thought.  
  
Anyway, poor Audrey didn't know what to say except, "It's gonna be okay." and other 'comforting' things that you read in sappy dramatic novels. I wanted to scream, "It's NOT okay! Everything's horrible!" but I didn't want to sound like some sappy bitch. Oh wait -- I've already accomplished THAT.  
  
"So, yeah," I said as I pulled away from Audrey's arms who seemed to be cutting off the circulation to breathe. I wiped my tears off, barely having enough strength to even loook at Audrey. "It's my problem, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. But, it's hard, and I have to get through it."  
  
"I know you can!" she exclaimed happily. "It's that maybe if you need some help, I'll give it to you."  
  
I shook my head and then stopped. I couldn't lie to her--again, for that matter. "Yeah," I smiled at her. "I'd like that."  
  
Dear Ray,  
  
After I told Audrey about loving you and the pain and stuff, she dragged me to the mall -- to get my mind off of you. She bought me Starbucks and a shirt to stop me from complaining. Doesn't that sound just like her?  
  
But it worked. I forgot about you and focused my mind on that guy screaming words -- in some freaky language that was definatly NOT English that sounded strangely like cuss words -- at this guy who didn't get his order right. It was pretty frickin' hilarious.  
  
I smiled Ray, and laughed for the first time in a loooong time. I was so happy having a girl's night out with her; getting makeovers, eatching her flirt with those Korean dudes (yup, she's really acting like herself), finding out she liked her math teacher in grade 7 (don't tell her I told you that! She'll kill me!).  
  
Basically, it was a blast. I kind of wished when we were laughing at some dorky thing...that...you would show up right there in the mall and...and I don't know what, but something what happen, something great.  
  
Now I regret I must leave you dear Ray, because the phone is ringing.  
  
I love you,  
  
Lily

* * *

Whoa! Lookie! I wrote something! Actually, I had this written down somewhere a long time ago and I JUST found it. Yeah...so...have a ball...

Allie


	8. Day 7

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own RFR. Bite me!

- - -

**Day 7**  
  
Scribbling and doodling my notebook, I heard a door open. I looked up. It was Ray. He was smiling right at me, and was wearing a tux and had flower and this really sappy music started to play in the background...  
  
Oh screw the damn fantasy. It was just Waller and if he was wearing a tux, I would be out of here.  
  
"Hello class." Class? He's the _principal_, and where's the regular teacher? I looked around; everyone else was as clueless. "I am going to be teaching you today."  
  
Everyone groaned. _Crap_, I thought, _Why_ _Waller_?  
  
"Oh shut it." he snapped. "Already five teachers are on strike because the stupid budget won't get them a raise and if one more teacher quits I swear I'm going to go nuts." That would be entertaining, I thought, smirking at the thought.  
  
At that same moment, the door slammed open and a woman threw papers. "I QUIT WALLER!" Then she stormed down the hall.  
  
We sat there, silent. "So, when are you going to go nuts?" someone said.  
  
He gave a glare and then ran out of the classroom, calling in a sweet town, "Ms. Jenson! No! Come back here! Wait! Oh, no, not your shoe! Ouch! Good _Lord_, that hurts!" Then there was a door opening; you could hear teachers saying, "GIVE TEACHERS RAISES!" and then the door shut.  
  
Then we turned our heads and raised our eyebrows. Some of the jocks jumped up and laughed and started doing football. But then the door opened again; we heard some more noise and then some walking. Everyone shut up and went back into their seats. Then Waller entered the room.  
  
"Okay kids. School is closed until I get my teachers back." Then he went off, down the hall, to tell everyone.  
  
I grinned. A little vacation was fun. I got up, and everyone cheered and exited the room. I went to my locker to get my books to leave. "Lily!" I heard Audrey and Robbie rush up to me. "You heard?"  
  
I nodded. "Who _hasn't_?"  
  
"I could use some days off," Robbie said happily.  
  
I laughed, agreeing with him. "Yeah. I'm really tired. Why don't we go do something? It'll probably take a week for Waller to get them back. Or hire new ones."  
  
Audrey gave me a little devious look. "Well...why don't we go see Ray?"  
  
At first I thought she was kidding, so I rolled my eyes and then said, "Sure. Why not?" I mean, of course she was joking. He lived a trillion, _gazillion_ miles away in Texas. I mean, he's probably forgotten about me already.  
  
But she looked serious. Robbie looked serious too. I raised my eyebrows. "Are you...?" I started, mouth open. "Serious? No joke? You're not kidding? We should go visit Ray?" I wasn't really using the English language like my Grammar teacher would like me to.  
  
Throwing back her head, she collapsed into laughter. "Lily, Lily, Lily," she put her arm around Robbie and looked at me. "Do we kid? Do we _look_ like we're just joking?" she questioned.  
  
"Um." I stated, "Yeah."  
  
"Well. We're not." Robbie said.  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts! No ifs! No maybes! No musts! No rules! No alibis! We. Are. Going. To. See. Ray." Audrey said, in her Audrey-way, telling me the words like I was some idiot. I just stared at her. She was insane.  
  
Snorting, I made a brilliant comeback. "Sorry."  
  
Her face fell. Robbie looked shocked. "Why the hell not?!"  
  
Little surprised at her profanity, I simply said, "My mom won't allow it."  
  
"Lie! Tell her it's...a trip! A educational road trip to get away from it all and to see your very good childhood friend Ray."  
  
I smacked her. "It's not going to work."  
  
Audrey rubbed her arm where I punched her. Then Robbie got real close and whispered, "I bet Ray misses that punch. I bet you miss doing it."  
  
_Whoa_.  
  
Did he just say that?  
  
I mean, yeah...it's a simple punch to some people. But Robbie understands that Ray and I old "dumb comment, punch, laugh" routine was classic. It loosened us up. And when he said that, when I punched Audrey, I missed it. The carefree days.  
  
Like...I would say, "Ray, that's _so_ dumb."  
  
"But Waller in a Speedo would burn your eyes right?" he would say, or something dumb like that.  
  
I would roll my eyes, then get my punching arm out and then give him a playful one. I glared at him, he would say, "OUCH!" And Travis and Robbie would be amused.  
  
I bit my lip. _Why_ did Robbie have to remind me of how much I miss him?  
  
But I did. I couldn't hide it. I wanted to see him. I finally sighed, and then gave up. "Fine my psycho little friends. I will be your little puppet in this 'educational' road trip to see Ray." It was pointless to keep fighting...and anyway, it was a nice idea. Just me, Robbie, Audrey, James...and maybe Travis on the road, having fun in cities...sound kind of relaxing.  
  
"YES!" Robbie and Audrey slapped each other five. "How awesome IS this?!" Robbie squealed.  
  
I laughed. "Did you just _squeal_?"  
  
"Maybe...maybe not."  
  
Everyone erupted in laugh at the not-so-funny joke that just got the tense talking out of everything. I felt happy. Thinking about the good memories of Ray makes me feel like he was there, next to me. Even though he wasn't.

- - -

Haha, you guys like it? It was actually pretty funny. I needed to write something funny. I feel sorta depressed.

Allie


	9. Day 8

**Day 8**

Dear Ray,

I want a song named after me.

I hate how you hear this song that is really sweet and great and the name of the song is the songwriter's girlfriend or soon-to-be girlfriend. It breaks my heart, knowing that _that _slutty whore bitch gets a wonderful song for her. But what about _me_? What about _my_ needs?

I know that sounds so whiney, but I just can't stand it. I want a song named Lily. I want a song named after me, devoted to me. I wonder if that's what every teenage girl wants. Just a little attention, you know?

Ray, if I had three wishes I'd I wish you were here.

I'd wish you played me the guitar.

I'd wish you'd write a song about me...even though your singing sucks. And Ray, don't try to say, "Oh, I can too sing!" Because I've heard you sing...and it was horrible.

But I didn't care. I smiled. I said a witty comment, and you pretended to be hurt, but we knew you didn't care at all. But when I heard you singing, all I could think was, "I love his voice." I didn't care you were tone-deaf, I didn't care at all.

I didn't care the least bit, Ray. I didn't care.

Oh...Ray, now I really miss you. I want to call you, but I still don't know your number. I don't even know your address. I know your email, and that's it. I would email you...but I wimp out.

I've changed my mind, Ray. I don't even care about the song. All I want is to hear your voice. Or see a picture of you. Or just to have the courage to say, "I love you."

Do you remember your t-shirt that you gave me a couple months ago? I put it to my nose, and I can smell you. Memories float around in my head. Ray, I miss you so much. I remember laughing with you...and do you remember that time we got stuck in the rain on the way from RFR? I remember that. I wanted to kiss you, but I shook the idea right out of my head.

And do you want to hear another thing that's utterly ridiculous? Well, Robbie wants to do a road trip to see you. See, Mr. Waller closed down the school because of the teacher's protesting for raises, which is quite humorous, by the way.

Anyway, isn't the idea so stupid? _A ROAD TRIP?_ Like my parents would go for it. But Robbie's got it all planned out. At least, I think so. We'll bring me, Robbie, Audrey, James (you know, the guy I told you about) and maybe Travis.

I guess it would be fun. But I don't even care about all the fun. I just want to see you Ray.

Ray, do you have a girlfriend? When I come, are you going to be kissing her? Is she going to be amazingly funny, smart, and athletic? The kind of girl I really want to hate, but I can't? And are you going to say, "Lily, it's not like you loved me." And I'll fake laugh, when I really just want to cry, and I'll say, "Yes, of course." When I want to sob, "Ray! I love you! Please, Ray..."

Ray, I'm crying again.

I'm not going to send this, again. I'm too much of a coward. But maybe...if we ever do see each other again...you'll say, "Did you think about me?" And I'll say, "Ray...I wrote so many love letters to you, but they were never sent. I wrote you name over and over and over again. All I thought about was _you_, Ray."

And you'll smile that childlike way and...and say, "Really? Because I was the exact same way."

It's been over a week since I've seen you Ray. I absolutely can't stand it.

I love you,

Lily

- - - - - - - - - - -

I actually am quite proud of this chapter. Don't you think it's pretty good? Well, I hope you agree.

Allie


	10. Day 9

- - - - - - -

**DAY 9**

- - - - - - -

"Mom? Dad?"

My mother, reading the newspaper, and my father, working on his knitting, looked up. I know you will look back at that sentence and think, "my father, working on his knitting"? But this is my family. They are different. The do not believe in normal. That is why I like them so much, except when they are total morons and don't get me at all.

"Yes, pumpkin?" my dad asked as I moved my way to the vacant chair, so I was across from them. I looked at their faces, worn-out, weary and wrinkled and I suddenly felt like crying. They were tired, and looked like they were ready to give up on life.

I looked at them, waiting for an answer, and snapped out of it. "Well, uh," I stammered. I watched my dad take a sip of his water.

I don't know why, but I guess it looked like I was going to let this huge secret of mine explode, so my mom's eyes widened, and she gasped. "EH. MA. GAWD. Lily, are you pregnant!"

My dad's eyes looked like they were going to pop out as he spit out his water. "Holy...Lily, is this true? With who? Was he a nice boy?" My mother punched my father on the arm, and he squealed.

Yeah, and I thought my parents were ready to give up on life and all weary and stuff. Right. They still act like teenagers, energetic, dramatic, and always ready to do something new.

I grinded my teeth together, and said slowly, "NO, mother. I am NOT pregnant."

"You sure? Because we wouldn't be mad," my momtried comforted me.

"Yeah, we would just ground you until you were 60." Again, my mom reached out and punched my father, hard. And finally my mind clicked. So that's where I got my punching ability.

I rolled my eyes. "Actually, NO. I am not pregnant. Geez, you guys are such morons."

"Morons?" my mom's eyebrows raised. "We are your parents, child. Don't back sass us!"

"Whatever. I was going to ask you for permission to go on a road trip with Audrey, James and Robbie to go see Ray, but you know what? You guys are going to say no anyway."

I rose from my seat and started to walk out, but my mother said some words that stopped me dead in her tracks. "Sure, you can go."

My mouth fell open as I spun around, trying to confirm that's what she just said. My mind was whirling around; I was so confused. "What? Did you just say I could go? Are you serious?"

I never got to go to Six Flags when I was a little kid, because my parents though I would get lost or I would get raped or something. And they're agreeing to a road trip. Oh my freakin' God.

"Yeah," my dad answered as he went back to his knitting.

I blinked. I slowly started to test them. "Well, we'll probably have no parental supervision."

"Oh?" Their eyes didn't glance up from what they were working on.

"Yeahh..." This was way too weird. Was it April fools and I didn't know? I looked at my watch. It said the 29th. "And, uh, well, there would be boys there. Don't you think I would get raped or something?"

My mother snorted, and she replied, "Right. You know Lily, that was before you mastered your punching skills. And it was when you were seven. And that Travis guy will be there anyway, right? And doesn't he know tai chi or kung fu or karate or something?"

My father added, "Anyway, we trust you."

"So? Danny on Full House trusts DJ but would he let her go on a road trip to Texas! I don't think so!" By now, I was getting hysterical.

Peering over her newspaper, my mother gazed at me for a moment. Then, she put down her paper and said in a will-you-just-shut-up tone, "Okay, Lily. Didn't you want to go to this thing?" I nodded. "Then, why won't you just accept the fact that you have cool parents?"

Cool parents. I looked at them in disgust. Right. They're the ones that humiliated me when i was nine by dressing up like clowns on Halloween and walking around in public like morons and saying, "We're Mr. and Mrs. Randall! Lily's parents!" Yeah. Cool parents. Right.

But they did have a point. I wouldn't believe that they would just let me go on a road trip. Why? Well...

"It's just too unbelievable! I mean, honestly, what parents would let them go on a road trip?" I screeched.

My mother creased her newspaper and put it down next to her. "Oh, Lily," she got up and hugged me softly. "You love Ray don't you?"

I was stunned. "H-how d-did you..." I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Lily," she stopped holding me like a child and put her hands on my cheeks and stared into my tearing-up eyes. "Lily, we know things. We know you love Ray, and that's why you want to go on the road trip." She let go of me. "We don't want to see you sad anymore."

"Oh, mom..." I started sobbing again and I fell into her arms.

My dad snorted. We looked over at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Oh, cut the Hallmark crap. The real truth Lily, is that Audrey and Robbie came over and they told us that they wanted you to come to a road trip with us."

Huh? I was confused. Audrey and Robbie?

"They begged us, seriously. They told us about Ray. We gave in after a while, and you can go to the road trip. Your mother, I suppose, wanted to be a cool and caring mom, like she knew about Ray and that she trusts you and thinks you're mature enough for a road trip, but she knew nothing about you and Ray before they told her, and if those friends of yours didn't beg, hello? You would not be going on a road trip."

What. The. Hell?

"Geez! Why did you have to ruin it!" my mother yelled at my dad.

My mouth fell open. "My God! I hate you two! You play about with my emotions like they're a toy! Holy...God, I HATE YOU!" I ran to my room and slammed the door, furious and angry and upset and confused, but then realized something important. I opened the door quietly and went back into the living room.

"Uh, but I can go on the trip, right?" I asked my parents who were sitting down, reading the newspaper and knitting, except my dad had an ice pack on his arm from my mother punching him because he gave her act away.

They looked up, smiled, and nodded. "Score!" I gave them both a hug and kiss, and screamed. "You two are the best!" I started to walk out of the room and then turned around and added, "But I still hate you guys."

"Of course," my mother nodded.

"Why wouldn't you be?" my dad asked.

Their faces were expressionless, but their eyes were smiling and laughing along with the joke.

Mine grinned back.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Mm, that was fun. Did you guys like it? I did. It was fun to write. I remember writing a chapter similar to this...three months ago? And the laptop went DEAD, and I was so pissed. I finally got around to re-writing it, thank God.

And, yes, I am doing the road trip. Lily's going to meet a lot of people, learn things about herself...stuff like that. It's gonna be superly cool. This chapter didn't have much Ray in it, but Lily needed a break from crying. Except, she did cry in this chapter...but it wasn't depressing, you know?

Hope you enjoy it!

Allie


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